In the past, I had experienced a call from the doctor to go back in for a 2nd mammogram. I obediently made another appointment knowing that my chart would show that all that fibrous tissue is normal for me. Only this time, I had two technicians who I had not seen before. They treated me with a gentleness and kindness that took me by surprise. These nurse technicians were very caring and understanding as they explained the mass of abnormal tissue on the ex ray showing it deep inside and close to the rib cage.
After many more attempts to get a better image I was sent back to the ultra-sound room. But alas, it wasn't a lump to find. The radiologist looked at my ex rays, looked at me, looked at my ex rays and finally called it a breast lesion! A growth! eeww! He recommended a biopsy! Now this experience was taken to a new level for me.
The procedure "Stereotactic Breast Biopsy" now gives me the shudders, because I have experienced one. It was not pleasant. I didn't handle it very well. The tears came, I trembled, I tried not to lose control. After it was over I had another series of mammograms - I will just say that I kind of paid them back for hurting me......They had to bring in a clean-up crew!
I have been through the waiting before, years ago. Pre-cancerous cells were found and just kept multiplying. I know what it means to wonder if you have cancer. To not sleep well, to have it on your mind day and night waiting for the results to come back. It is excruciatingly long. This time I waited a week before the surgeon called me. The pathologist recommended total breast removal. Seriously? No pre-cancerous cells found - but the potential was there. My doctor and my surgeon both recommended I have the lesion removed. A lumpectomy was scheduled.
Did you know that when you have a lumpectomy you must also have a post-operative procedure to guide the surgeon to the lesion site? Another series of mammograms are conducted to pin-point the exact spot. I know that I have been sliding over the "mammogram procedure" in my narrative but any woman who has had a mammogram knows what I am talking about - but honestly.....this took tremendous courage to even think about walking into the image room once again. Now the only truly fun thing about this whole day was the ambulance ride from the hospital to the imaging center. It was a whole parking lot away but I got to ride in a brand new ambulance with two cuter than cute EMT's. They gave me a blanket to cover up my hospital gown (which was open in the back) and helped me into the ambulance. They made me laugh, teased me and made me feel as if I was the most important patient in the world. I asked them why they didn't just use a little golf cart and they said, "Really? Do you want to ride through the parking lot with your hospital gown flapping and all of you exposed to the elements?" Suddenly the ambulance ride made perfect sense.
In preparation for the needle and wire procedure, I was met with the same nurse and radiologist who had performed my biopsy. They said, "Oh....you!" Apparently I was the topic of discussion after the biopsy crime-scene clean up. Needless to say, the doctor was absolutely flawless as he made certain I was totally deadened, found the cross hairs on the mammogram, inserted the needle, guided the wire to the lesion site, withdrew the needle and patted me on the shoulder to show how proud he was of me.
All I can say is that I lived.
I lived through the....
- needle and wire procedure,
- general anesthesia
- recovery room (no memory there)
- loss of the nasty lesion and rather large hematoma (as a result of the biopsy)
- drive home in the car with my daughter while continually checking myself to see if I truly had all of the body parts I went in with.
- pain, sick stomach, panic attacks, nightmares, being swollen and sore and the unmentionable digestive problems.
- neighbor's dogs barking during the day (I am never home during the day and had no idea)
I lived to thank my.....
- children and grandchildren for their prayers and for the strength and courage they gave me
- friends and co-workers who sent notes and cards and flowers to cheer me up
- dear family and friends who listened and understood
- special and tender daughter who stayed by my side from beginning to end and continues to add joy to my days.
"I like living, I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."
-Agatha Christie
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