MAKING NO SENSE AT ALL

In hindsight, I wonder if my experience was just a normal almost-every-women-goes-through-this kind-of-thing or perhaps I shouldn't have made such a big deal out of it. It just doesn't make any sense to still be so emotional......but I am - and it was a big deal to me!

In the past, I had experienced a call from the doctor to go back in for a 2nd mammogram. I obediently made another appointment knowing that my chart would show that all that fibrous tissue is normal for me. Only this time, I had two technicians who I had not seen before.  They treated me with a gentleness and kindness that took me by surprise. These nurse technicians were very caring and understanding as they explained the mass of abnormal tissue on the ex ray showing it deep inside and close to the rib cage.

After many more attempts to get a better image I was sent back to the ultra-sound room. But alas, it wasn't a lump to find. The radiologist looked at my ex rays, looked at me, looked at my ex rays and finally called it a breast lesion! A growth! eeww! He recommended a biopsy! Now this experience was taken to a new level for me.

The procedure "Stereotactic Breast Biopsy" now gives me the shudders, because I have experienced one. It was not pleasant. I didn't handle it very well. The tears came, I trembled, I tried not to lose control. After it was over I had another series of mammograms - I will just say that I kind of paid them back for hurting me......They had to bring in a clean-up crew!

I have been through the waiting before, years ago. Pre-cancerous cells were found and just kept multiplying. I know what it means to wonder if you have cancer. To not sleep well, to have it on your mind day and night waiting for the results to come back. It is excruciatingly long. This time I waited a week before the surgeon called me. The pathologist recommended total breast removal. Seriously? No pre-cancerous cells found - but the potential was there. My doctor and my surgeon both recommended I have the lesion removed. A lumpectomy was scheduled.

Did you know that when you have a lumpectomy you must also have a post-operative procedure to guide the surgeon to the lesion site? Another series of mammograms are conducted to pin-point the exact spot. I know that I have been sliding over the "mammogram procedure" in my narrative but any woman who has had a mammogram knows what I am talking about - but honestly.....this took tremendous courage to even think about walking into the image room once again. Now the only truly fun thing about this whole day was the ambulance ride from the hospital to the imaging center. It was a whole parking lot away but I got to ride in a brand new ambulance with two cuter than cute EMT's. They gave me a blanket to cover up my hospital gown (which was open in the back) and helped me into the ambulance.  They made me laugh, teased me and made me feel as if I was the most important patient in the world. I asked them why they didn't just use a little golf cart and they said, "Really? Do you want to ride through the parking lot with your hospital gown flapping and all of you exposed to the elements?" Suddenly the ambulance ride made perfect sense.

In preparation for the needle and wire procedure, I was met with the same nurse and radiologist who had performed my biopsy. They said, "Oh....you!" Apparently I was the topic of discussion after the biopsy crime-scene clean up.  Needless to say, the doctor was absolutely flawless as he made certain I was totally deadened, found the cross hairs on the mammogram, inserted the needle, guided the wire to the lesion site, withdrew the needle and patted me on the shoulder to show how proud he was of me.

All I can say is that I lived.

I lived through the....

• needle and wire procedure, 
• general anesthesia
• recovery room (no memory there)
• loss of the nasty lesion and rather large hematoma (as a result of the biopsy)
• drive home in the car with my daughter while continually checking myself to see if I truly had all of the body parts I went in with. 
• pain, sick stomach, panic attacks, nightmares, being swollen and sore and the unmentionable digestive problems.
• neighbor's dogs barking during the day (I am never home during the day and had no idea)

I lived to thank my.....

• children and grandchildren for their prayers and for the strength and courage they gave me
• friends and co-workers who sent notes and cards and flowers to cheer me up
• dear family and friends who listened and understood
• special and tender daughter who stayed by my side from beginning to end and continues to add joy to my days.  

"I like living, I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."

   -Agatha Christie

    

My Favorite Place

I have been to Martha's Vineyard and fell in love years ago but the tourists were all over the place. I almost felt bad for the residents who owned cottages and  beautiful homes on the island. I loved the hydrangas, the grasses and little fences going down to the beach and the cottages and homes with hanging baskets full of blooms. When we traveled to the Outer Banks I felt the similarities of Martha's Vineyard but Ocracoke Island is less accessible, less commercialized and very quaint. The only way to get to Ocracoke Island is by ferry or boat or plane. You can't just sit on your patio and watch the ocean - you have to hunt for it - bicycle for a few miles or get in your car and drive to it. The dikes by the side of the road protect the homes and roads from the frequent tropical storms and occasional hurricanes.But the white sandy beaches and the turquoise oceans are like a tropical island. Of course, the restaurants will rival any great tourist place but the markets and specialty stores are small and kind of quirky. The weeds grow in between houses and you won't find the manicured lawns or landscaped yards. You will find little flowers springing up in the oddest places, a row of konch shells lined up outside someone's window, dogs barking, little baskets of flowers hanging from trees, interesting mail boxes and bicyclists waving and greeting passersby. It's a "feel good place". I hope to go there again some day.  My mouth is watering for a crab-cake sandwich.

A Few Secrets of My Own.....

How can they not realize what a gift it is to see a beautiful small doe with a miniature little fawn following close behind? I am talking about the visitors to Zion National Park. Do they take it for granted? Do they expect it? Well...not me. I well never get over the thrill of seeing wild deer up close and in their natural habitat. Granted, they are protected in the park but they still forage for their own food and wander through the grasses and trees at leisure.

Last evening it rained just enough to add life to the forest. I sat out on my private patio and watched the lightening and listened to the rain. The rich earthy smell was wonderful. It has been so hot and dry this summer.  It is so rare to be in the park at first light and after dark especially when we live so close. We usually travel to the Park for the day and hike up to the Emerald Pools, Weeping Rock or up to the point where the Narrows begin. But I wanted to be there when the deer come meandering down through the trees to the grass by the lodge, when the fox are out, when the tourists are gone or in their rooms for the evening.

 

I wanted to be by myself and think and watercolor and read and meander on my own. So I booked a room at the lodge for myself and did just that. I saw a Steller's Blue Jay on my way to Weeping Rock, discovered a bug bite (I'm thinking a spider or scorpion got me) that only gets bigger as the days go by. I soaked my feet in the river and turned and there was this beautiful buck standing 10 feet away from me.  I frantically got out my low battery iPhone and snapped this fuzzy photo.


I listened to the little brook of water trickling down the mountainside on my way to the Lower Emerald Pools. I sat on the rock bench and let the little drops of water fall on my face close to the waterfall. I ate when and where I wanted, I shopped in Springdale and went to all of the stores that I have always wondered about but never took the time to visit. I drove up to and through the tunnel and wondered how I ever had the courage to drive those switchbacks on my motorcycle. I checked out the buffalo at the ranch outside of the Park and turned around and came back through it again.

My favorite thing was to have the red tag in my car that allowed me to drive up to the lodge during the shuttle season.  I felt like I had a little privilege that only a few people get.  I watched people, I listened to the grandpa out on the private patio next to mine read a chapter of a book to his grandchildren before they went to bed. I laughed at the family of five that had all purchased these new, identical expensive boots just for hiking up the Narrows. I rode the shuttle and listened to the pre-recorded tour guide tell us all about the secrets of Zion.  Now I know a few secrets of my own.

What Could Be Better Than That?

We found ourselves, my daughter and I, being able to take advantage of certain liberties while enjoying Halloween Dress-up Day at Disneyland.  So what could be better than being at Disneyland in your jammies? Well....maybe being at Disneyland in your slippers and jammies - but one has to think about footwear when spending 15 hours standing, walking and running from ride to ride.   And speaking of footwear - a women should always prepare her toes for any special event.
 
I know this all sounds so silly - and for a grown women, such as myself, I hesitate to show evidence of that silliness.  But I have found that adventures are much more fun if you immerse yourself in the experience.  Part of the fun is in the planning; Saving up a certain amount of money each month, getting the money envelopes ready (complete with stickers), deciding on the clothes (and costumes) to wear, painting your toenails, finding that perfect bag to carry all of your necessary items and getting the mouse ears down from the closet. The adventure officially begins the moment we back out of the driveway.  We're on vacation!

Here are some things that I have learned for myself.........

• Screaming makes the rides at Disneyland more fun. 
• Renting a locker allows for several different footwear changes and ample storage of purchases.
• You can eat nothing but chocolate, candy and desserts for one full day without consequence.
• Hand sanitizer will kill most flesh-eating bacteria
• If you are worried about what you look like, what you are wearing, what your hair looks like - don't!  There will always be someone who will trump your ugliest moment.
• Be nice to everyone and don't stare.
• Remember that people are always watching you.  Even with your most ridiculous actions, the most embarrassing and silly things - you need to always remember to safeguard your character.  
• Always remember who you are and what you stand for.  

And What Could Be Better Than That?

Looking Back - Looking Forward

 

Years ago, looking ahead, I certainly didn't envision bonding with one of my granddaughters  in such a way.  I know that I imagined us playing duets together on the piano, going shopping, watching movies together, cooking, sewing and having lots of fun at organized Girls and Grandma Weekends.
You know?  Doing girls things!  But now, looking back instead of forward, how could I ever imagine such a special and wonderful bonding experience than traveling together on our motorcycles?

The first trip was back in 2009.  We had bought me a small motorcycle to learn on so that we could take our little granddaughters on over-night motorcycle trips (It is always wise to have a Grandma along with a Grandpa).  We planned a three-day adventure to the Four Corners area with the granddaughter that lived the closest (Jocelyn).  We stayed in quaint little bed and breakfast houses, swam in motel pools, ate at fun southwestern restaurants and hiked the Mesa Verde ruins.   We thought it was a trip to remember but little did we know that the spontaneous idea to include Jocee in our adventure to the San Juan Islands in 2013 would turn out to be the next "trip to remember".  Sixteen days of adventure to be exact.

My new motorcycle was much bigger and safer than the first, but not safe enough to carry a passenger.  So I secured my stuffed Minnie Mouse on the back and we tucked on a Mini Minnie on the back of Grandpa's motorcycle for Jocee.  Our little stuffed Minnie's were our good luck charms to keep us safe.  Fellow motorists seem to give a Grandma with a Minnie Mouse on the back safe passage.

Sixteen (16) days of playing the card game, "Speed", on ferry rides, in motels (while it was raining), at restaurants (waiting for our food) and at every bed and breakfast we stayed at.  Sixteen days of going in every cute store we could find, trying on jewelry, hats and searching for that perfect sweatshirt from the islands.  Nine (9) days of eating the most delectable breakfasts, served by our delightful bed and breakfast hosts and hostesses.  Sixteen days of cots, mattresses on the floor, private rooms or charming beds (some areas came with spiders and critters). We hiked to the most magnificent waterfalls, photographed a zillion photos of ourselves, viewed the world from the top of Whistler Peak in British Columbia, scouted out bears, raccoon, a fox, eagles, osprey, deer, and millions of ground squirrels (which we seem to have a lot of photos of).   Come to think of it, we have a lot of photos of the San Juan Island ferries, whales, spider webs, flowers, harbor seals, lighthouses and starfish, that we don't remember taking.  We put our rain gear on - we took our rain gear off and we did it all again several times a day.  We laughed at her first (reluctant) taste of fresh clams, her witty comments and her catchy phrases.   We hugged and bonded and barely left each other's side.  We felt young again with her vitality and vivacious energy and wore ourselves out by the end of each day.

Grandpa and I intend to keep planning those little adventures that truly make life special.  Not that the boys in our family aren't fun but those granddaughters really can make "a trip to remember".  My looking forward dreams are a little different now because my looking back experiences have taught me so many things.   I will keep planning the cooking, sewing, shopping, piano-playing activities but we will enhance them with some thrilling rides as well.

 

           

San Juan Islands 2013

It's true!  We came back again - one year later.  Only this time, I am riding my own motorcycle in the rain, on the hills, with a big heavy back pack on the back.  So far, I have managed to keep everything upright.  Orcas Island is absolutely and positively gorgeous.  The rain has intensified the vibrant colors of the forests and fields.  Open spaces are rare and the winding pine-tree lined roads only open to bursts of small marinas and private docks. Our night on Orcas Island will be spent at the Blue Heron Bed and Breakfast Inn.   We are staying on the top floor in the Pelican room with an outside veranda and binoculars for viewing the inland harbor.  How refreshing to have hosts who love what they do.  Their focus is to make our stay as pleasant and memorable as possible.  The hot chocolate and fresh homemade cookies are tickling our senses.

Wings to Fly and Other Gifts.....

It all started the first Valentine's Day after I started dating my future husband; it was a shoe box all wrapped up cute and when opened all of these pink and red paper tissue hearts fluttered out all over the place.  It was so romantic and fun and unexpected from a boy friend but so appropriate because I had already given him my heart.

I am certain that my future husband understood right from the beginning that I always have an opinion and so it was best to pick the ring I liked.  After deciding on the ring we went to a Hawaiian restaurant which seemed a little strange because, upon reflection, the waiter served my desert with a little fortune cookie on the side.  The fortune said, "Confucius say girl who find proposal in fortune cookie should say 'Yes'!"

He told me that he was going to give me a lot of little gifts before our engagement so that I would never expect when I was going to receive my engagement ring.  The date was April 17, 1971 and we were sitting in his little red Chevrolet Corvair in the driveway of my parent's home.  He presented me with a can opener and a 32 ounce can with the lid sealed tightly from the Del Monte factory where he worked.  The outside was covered in paper with cleaver art work done by his sister.  When opened, I found a long chain with little wrapped gifts attached ( I can't remember what all of the gifts meant but I do remember the dime attached inside a giant costume ring.  (a dime in ring).  We laughed and laughed about how I thought this would be my real engagement ring.  At the end of the chain was a pretty handkerchief and knotted in the center was my beautiful diamond engagement ring.

The surprises have continued throughout our married life and seldom correspond to any holiday or celebration.  My favorites are the items attached to the tennis ball hanging from the center of the garage.  The tennis ball allows me to know how far to pull my car in so the garage door will close properly.  I especially like the $money hanging from a clip but the most endearing are the little roses clipped from my garden, place in an empty medicine pill bottle full of water and hanging on the tennis ball clip.  It never fails to prick my heart deep down.  Sometimes the clip has a photo of one of my grand kids that we got in the mail, or a check we have been waiting for.  One day as I returned home from work and pulled into the garage my new motorcycle electric jacket was hanging on the clip.  It always cracks me up to have anything there to brighten my day.

I have laughed my way through our marriage as I have followed the shoe, socks, pants, belt, hat and anything else on the path to our bedroom.  We rate his bed making efforts with a % mark - rarely and only occasionally making it to the 100% mark.   On occasion, the decorative pillows on our bed have been transformed by him to resemble the finest in design creations.

He constantly "buys my chairs" a phrase we picked up from the movie, "Phenomenon" where George Malley secretly buys every chair that Chels creates just so she will feel successful and happy about her efforts.  But most of all, and my most cherished gift is that my sweet companion gives me my wings to fly!